
Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/10755819.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Graphic_Depictions_Of_Violence, Major_Character_Death, Underage, Rape/
      Non-Con
  Category:
      Multi
  Fandom:
      Homestuck, Undertale_(Video_Game), OFF_(Game), New_Dangan_Ronpa_V3:
      Everyone's_New_Semester_of_Killing, Dangan_Ronpa_-_All_Media_Types, Super
      Dangan_Ronpa_2, Super_Smash_Brothers, Hetalia:_Axis_Powers, Shrek_
      (Movies), Tokyo_Ghoul, SpongeBob_SquarePants_(Cartoon), LazyTown,
      Shingeki_no_Kyojin_|_Attack_on_Titan, Free!, Bee_Movie_(2007), Yuri!!!_on
      Ice_(Anime), Harry_Potter_-_J._K._Rowling, Gravity_Falls, Vocaloid, Bendy
      and_the_Ink_Machine, Yandere_Simulator_(Video_Game), Don't_Hug_Me_I'm
      Scared_(Short_Film), Sugoi_Quest_For_Kokoro
  Relationship:
      Equius_Zahhak/Jerry, Japhet/Alpha, Sans/Crippling_Depression, Eridan
      Ampora/idubbbz, Kiibo/Emotional_Pain, Ouma_Kokichi/Eternal_Darkness,
      Other_Relationship_Tags_to_Be_Added, Eridan_Ampora/Sollux_Captor/Aradia
      Megido/Feferi_Peixes
  Character:
      Jerry_(Undertale), Equius_Zahhak, Eugene_Krabs, Waluigi_(Nintendo), Gay
      Worm, North_Italy_(Hetalia), Papyrus_(Undertale), DoodleBob, Shia
      LaBeouf, Sans_(Undertale), John_Egbert, Dave_Strider, Eridan_Ampora,
      Feferi_Peixes, Sollux_Captor, Karkat_Vantas, Aradia_Megido, Kanaya
      Maryam, Vriska_Serket, Terezi_Pyrope, Tavros_Nitram, Nepeta_Leijon, Jade
      Harley, Jane_Crocker, Jake_English, Rose_Lalonde, Roxy_Lalonde, Dirk
      Strider, Lil_Cal_(Homestuck), Gamzee_Makara, Ouma_Kokichi, Kiibo_(Dangan
      Ronpa), Komaeda_Nagito, Hinata_Hajime, Jean-Jacques_Leroy, dat_boi_-
      Character, Pepe_the_Frog, Nanase_Haruka, Matsuoka_Rin, idubbbz, Japhet_
      (OFF), Alpha, The_Batter_(OFF), Zacharie_(OFF), Robbie_Rotten, Tsukiyama
      Shuu, Satan, Flowey_(Undertale), Hatsune_Miku, Sportacus_(LazyTown),
      Ayano_Aishi_|_Yandere-chan, Bill_Nye, Bill_Cipher, Carl_Azuz, Underfresh
      Sans_-_Character, Fukase_(Vocaloid), Jar_Jar_Binks, Other_Character_Tags
      to_Be_Added, Sakura_Katana, Doctor-Chan, sanesss, Kankri_Vantas, Cronus
      Ampora, Mituna_Captor, Rufioh_Nitram, Horuss_Zahhak, Kurloz_Makara,
      Porrim_Maryam, Meenah_Peixes, Latula_Pyrope, Damara_Megido, Meulin
      Leijon, Aranea_Serket, Marion_Moseby, The_Timb_Man, Hopmonabelle_John_The
      9th
  Additional Tags:
      Crack, Memes, WTF, Why_Did_I_Write_This?, Triggers, Save_Me, OOC, @me
      Kill_Yourself, Honestly_who_gives_a_fuck_anymore, Weird_shit_inside, Read
      at_Your_Own_Risk, And_all_that_jazz, Shit
  Stats:
      Published: 2017-04-28 Updated: 2017-11-27 Chapters: 17/? Words: 16537
****** Welcome To Hell, Here's Your Memes ******
by Silver_Infinity
Summary
     Jerry is a normal guy, and is happy with his Wi-Fi. But he has a
     weird dream, and the Ouma, the new Demon King, shows up and ruins
     EVERYTHING. More weird shit starts happening, and now that Ouma can
     open rifts in space-time, it's gonna be one cluster-fuck of an
     adventure. Join Jerry as he makes friends, finds love, and goes on a
     quest to restore peace to the world.
     The Author regrets everything.
     Updates whenever I feel like it.
     (Crackfic)
Notes
     What The Fuck Is All Of This?
See the end of the work for more notes
***** PROLOGUE: The Vietnam Flashbacks *****
(Jerry’s POV)
It all started the moment i opened my eyes once again, the air thick with
tomato sauce and sin. I could hear papyrus and feliciano bonding over spoopy
noodles and their sinful search history of food erotica. The moment my mind
started to gather basic information, it aired through my head, i attempted to
reach to wipe my stinging eyes. But alas, i could not: not since the war. I
remember it so well: me and my comrade waluigi shooting at the gay worm. I’d
would be damned if that yoai, rule 34 shit got to me and my fresh squad. The
tumblr kids almost got to my brain. The rainbow colored poison mixed with the
crimson pouring out of my leg; I decided, that no matter how chilling the
thought. I would have to amputate my legs, so the flamboyant desire to start a
diy channel on youtube and start going to starbucks more frequently left no
trace in my psyche. But even so after that i grew weak. I had to go under a
surgery to have my arms removed, due to infected cuts i had on my forearms. So
now here i lay on my bed ashamed and proud of my past self then then 10 minutes
later ouma started laughing and screeching some bullshit about panta and dicks.
At that moment i stopped. Me and equius had our anniversary today. God, HOW THE
FUCK DID I FORGET THAT!!! I could feel my stomach turning with feels of how god
damned
T R I G G E R E D i was. I could feel my heart choking and my brain filling up
of what kind of gift i should have gave him. The smile i should have showed,
instead of that blank face that drove the others away from me in the first
place. Then i started to feel shook and without warning i heard someone call to
me “ JERRY WAKE THE FUCK UP OR I WILL SKULL FUCK YOU WITH THIS RUSTY ASS MELON
BALLER!!! ”
***** CHAPTER 1: Pokemon GO Fall Down A Hole *****
Chapter Summary
     There is fire and Homestuck.
Chapter Notes
     We have another chapter today because the prologue is shit (jk this
     entire fucking story is shit.)
See the end of the chapter for more notes
(Jerry’s POV)
Jerry woke up, confused. He couldn’t really remember his dream, but he knew it
was important. He started to get ready for his day, when suddenly, he heard a
familiar laugh. He had heard it in his dream! It was that weird dick-obsessed
weeaboo! Before he could do anything though, he heard an explosion. He ran
outside, and discovered that the Underground was on fire! Oh snap! Jerry sat
down and cried. The wi-fi was burned.
(Terezi’s POV)
You asshole. Terezi is blind. She doesn’t HAVE a point of view. You’re a
terrible person.
(Karkat’s POV)
Your name is KARKAT, and you are falling. You and your friends were playing
Pokemon GO, because your friends are fucking weebs, and wanted to catch a god-
damn Pikachu. They dragged all of you to this stupid mountain, and then you all
fell down a weird-ass hole.( Not to mistaken as as a weirdly shaped asshole,
that is a completely different topic ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ) If we survive this, you
think, I’m going to stab them. Wow, you hate your friends.
(John’s POV)
Your name is JOHN and wow, you WERE having a great time. It kinda sucked
falling down that hole tho. Oh well! You hope that if someone dies in the fall,
it’s Karkat. He’s been a meanie lately. He has to be eliminated one way or
another. Either Karkat, or Dave’s weird weeb brother. He scares you, because
last time you saw him, he was cosplaying Sailor Moon. It scared you for life.
Actually, he’s still wearing it. You shiver, and he just keeps falling,
smiling, he hasn’t stopped staring at you since you started falling. “Kawaii
desu.” He whispers at you. You scream.
Chapter End Notes
     The next chapter will be very emotional.
***** CHAPTER 2: Wake Me Up Inside *****
Chapter Summary
     The villain's tragic backstory
     (or what happens before chapter one, whatever)
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
(Ouma’s POV)
Ouma was very happy. He finally escaped the maximum security prison. Ouma was
also very sad, because he fell down a hole. But that was ok, because he made a
deal with Satan. He decided that in order to escape his friends, he should
leave a very obvious trail of fire, death and destruction, so they will never
find him. Ouma sheds a single tear, if only Kiibo wasn’t such an overprotective
trash robot, he thinks to himself. Kiibo had stabbed a tracker into everyone he
knew for more than 3 seconds, so unfortunately, Ouma now has a tracker in his
skull, as does every one of his classmates. Ouma’s phone started to ring.
“HELLO???” He screeched, with the voice of 1,000 damned souls. “Ouma I know
where you are and I am coming to find you.” Said a robotic voice at the other
end of the phone. Ouma screeched even louder. “NO YOU DIDN’T FIND ME GO AWAY
KIIBO YOU’RE MOM IS A TYPEWRITER.” Kiibo was somehow visibly angry, even though
he’s in a different dimension you can still see his anger. “I DON’T HAVE A MOM
YOU STUPID LITTLE BOI I AM A ROBOT AND I HEARD YOU USE THE WRONG YOUR IT’S YOUR
NOT YOU’RE AND-” Ouma hung up on him. “LIKE OMG HE’S ANNOYING!” Suddenly, he
heard a voice whisper from behind him. “You shouldn’t have done that.” Ouma
screeched as he was splashed with Holy Water. “OW KIIBO YOU’RE A DICK.” Ouma
screeched. Kiibo was T R I G G E R E D. “FOR THE LAST TIME OUMA ROBOTS DON’T
HAVE DICKS!” Kiibo cried, letting loose all of the robotic emotional pain.
Kiibo tried to perform an exorcism on Ouma, but Ouma teleported away in time.
Kiibo was so tired of everything. He decided that before he brought Ouma back
to base in an endless struggle that ended (ironic) up with both of them crying
on the floor he was going to enjoy some god-damn peace and quiet. He absconded.
Chapter End Notes
     Fun Fact, Ouma's contact name For Kiibo is Kiiboy
     Next chapter will be about a love square
***** CHAPTER 3: The Love Square *****
Chapter Summary
     These fucking nerds.
      
Chapter Notes
     idubbbz is a god
See the end of the chapter for more notes
(Eridan’s POV)
idubbbz is the only thing that matters to you anymore. Your name is ERIDAN, and
life’s a fucking nightmare. After falling for ten god-damn minutes, you all
finally land on a bed of flowers. You are sad that everyone survived. You wish
you had broken your neck. You shed a single tear. No matter how many times you
try, you are always foiled in your attempts to die. You stand up. You all walk
down the hall and find a dark room with a flower in it. The flower turns.
“HOWDY! I’M FLOWEY, FLOWEY THE FLOWER!” It screams, loud enough to shatter
glass. “NOT TODAY, BITCH!” Yells a skeleton, coming out of nowhere. He throws a
basketball at the flower, which screams again and disappears. “heya kiddos, i’m
sans, sans the skeleton. come with me if you want to live. i know a shortcut.”
He says, and opens a portal. “What the fuck.” says Nepeta, asking the question
we were all thinking. You cry on the inside, and “Mad World” plays.
(Sollux’s POV)
Why the fuck is edgy meme music playing. Your name is SOLLUX, and you’re a
fucking nerd. You should really stop listening to emo shit, you’ll end up like
Eridan. You don’t really like Eridan, but he’s so fucking edgy it hurts, and
you as an angsty teen aspire to be that edgy. Maybe you’ll help him try to
commit suicide again. Wow, you need to finds some better people to hang out
with. Everyone in this fucking group has some weird angsty backstory/problem.
At least Aradia and Feferi are here. You sigh, and realize that you should
probably go through the portal. You, as a fucking nerd, think about all the
shitty references you could make.
(Feferi’s POV)
You are stuck with 2 boyfriends and one is an idiot so how can this be anymore
worse??? Your name is FEFERI also known as the empress of Alternia but you
prefer FEFERI better. You ended up in the underground with a Christmas party
looking shit for questionable reasons that you can’t seem to wrap your head
around. Aradia is here to, mostly because she is Sollux’s matesprit for god
knows how long. Anyways, you're stuck in the underground with a Christmas
lookin ass town, you're not very fond of the cold, considering the fact that
you're wearing a swimsuit and warm weather clothing, but who wants to see you
bitch and complain? Plus the skeleton motherfucker is creepy as shit and it
fucking makes you cringe to imagine the fandom whO NEEDS JESUS: ABOUT FUCKING A
SKELETON but people have weird ass fetishes and you'd rather not go into
detail. ( BUT SERIOUSLY HOW IN THE EVER LOVING SHIT WOULD FUCKING A BONE BAG
EVEN WORK!! ) (Aradia’s POV) damn signal cutting my fucking service. Your name
is ARADIA, you are maid of time but you aren't MADE of that stuff *pistol
fingers*. But you are playing Pokemon GO and you need ALL OF THE POKEMON, legit
you need all of them or you would die (again) But it's kinda your fault for
leading your friends up here to try and catch the RAREST POKEMON OF THEM ALL.
Which is a god damn Pikachu, now you cannot get signal on your cellular device
and lost the Pikachu’s location. You are so fucking pissed.
Chapter End Notes
     Wow this story gets weirder and shittier every time I update
      
     Thank you for reading this bullshit
     /UPDATE/ Forgot to add Aradia's POV wow I suck
***** CHAPTER 4: Burn Baby Burn, Disco Inferno *****
Chapter Summary
     Sans leads the Homestucks to Snowden, only to find an unpleasant
     surprise...
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
(Sans’ POV)
As soon as Sans went through the portal, he looked around and was immediately S
H O O K. “why the fuck is snowden on fire?” He thought. Papyrus ran up to him.
“THIS TIME, IT WASN’T ME!” He screamed in his indoor voice. Behind Sans, those
weird fucking grey people and the humans emerged from the portal. “FUCK YOU
KIIBO IT’S NOT A PHASE!” A voice screeched. Sans turned around to see an anime
character floating in midair, setting fire to literally everything. “why are
there so many demons in this fucking town?” Sans asked himself.
(Jerry’s POV)
Jerry finally stopped crying about the wi-fi. As he walked through the town, he
saw his friend, Sans. Sans had some weird people behind him. Suddenly, right
above Sans, a weird black portal opened up, and Darude- Sandstorm started
playing. “FUCKING NORMIE!” Screeched one of the grey people. He was obviously
very Extra™, as he was wearing a cape and lots of jewelry. Out of the portal
fell… Sans?!? (omg plot twist no one expected that) But he was wearing
something that looked like something from the 80s. Also it was blinding and oh
my fucking god it’s gonna kill us all that outfit is gonna give me a fucking
heart attack it’s so 80s it hurts. Sans looked horrified at the sight of the
other skeleton. “WIGGITY WIGGITY WHAT’S UP DUDES??” It yelled. “go back to hell
fresh,” Sans said, backing up slowly. “HELL NAW WE’RE GONNA GET R A D I C A L
MY PALS!!” Fresh shrieked. “how did you even escape prison?” Sans asked. “I
MADE A DEAL WITH SATAN! ONE DAY SOON, I WILL BECOME THE DARK LORD’S VESSEL!”
Fresh did a radical skateboard trick and ran off laughing. At this point,
Snowden was entirely burnt to the ground, but who cares? Not Jerry. “So Sans,
can you introduce me to your friends?” Jerry asked. Sans told him they were
trolls (And humans) from a different dimension. Jerry greeted them one by one,
shaking hands and meeting them, but then, suddenly, he stopped. The most
beautiful man (troll) he had ever seen was standing right before him. He had
long, dark hair and wore broken shades. He was standing there, looking at Jerry
and blushing. And sweating. A lot. “Hello, I’m Jerry,” Jerry said, looking into
his eyes. “Hello Jerry, I’m Equius,” Sweated Equius. It was love at first
sight. How romantic. Everyone could tell this was the start of a beautiful
relationship. “GET A FUCKING ROOM.” Yelled Karkat.
Chapter End Notes
     Wow, I can't believe almost 200 people have read this shit.
     Thanks.
***** CHAPTER 5: Shrek Is Love *****
Chapter Summary
     Oh shit it's Shrek
(Ouma’s POV)
Ouma was very tired of all of these normies messing with his evil plans to be
the ultimate supreme leader of edge and darkness. He finished burning the town
to the ground and went to Hot Topic and cried about being edgy. No one
understands me, he thought, a single tear sliding down his beautiful face. His
fone rang. It was his friend, Paint Tool Sai! He picked it up. “Hello Paint
Tool Sai-chan!” He greeted. “For fuck’s sake my name is Saihara not Paint Tool
Sai. I’m done with your bullshit Ouma.” “Fine Saihara calm your tits. Why did
you call me anyways?” Sai dropped his voice to a whisper. “Kiibo’s coming run
bitch run.” Ouma shrieked and ran out of Hot Topic. I have to keep him away
somehow! He thought to himself. Then, Donald Trump descended from the Heavens.
“We need to build a wall,” He whispered in Ouma’s ear. He then ran away, as he
had to go fuck up a country. “Donald Trump-san is such a nice and helpful
person!” Ouma said. “Now, for my ritual, I need some weird shit!” Ouma looked
at the list of things he needed to perform his summoning. One onion, the heart
of a child, a shirt from Hot Topic, and an outdated meme. What a coincidence!!
All those things were in his pockets!!1! How lucky1!!11! He put them in a
pentagram and chanted. “Cutting onions with a knife, Shrek is love, Shrek is
life.” In a flash of light, the items were gone, and in the middle of the
pentagram was an ogre. It turned around and whispered, “This is my swamp.” “Ok
whatever now I need your help if you help me I will give you onions,” Ouma
said. “Onions Onions Onions Onions Onions Onions Onions Onions ONIONS.” Shrek
shreked. They shook hands and sealed the pact.
***** CHAPTER 6: Notice Me Senpai!!! *****
Chapter Summary
     We need to build a wall (Or three.)
Chapter Notes
     Oh shit it's lit.
See the end of the chapter for more notes
(Yandere-Chan’s POV)
senpai senpai senpai senpai senpai senpai senpai senpai senpai senpai senpai
senpai senpai senpai senpai senpai senpai senpai senpai senpai senpai senpai
senpai senpai senpai senpai senpai senpai senpai senpai senpai senpai senpai
senpai senpai senpai senpai senpai senpai.
Ah yes, what a normal and beautiful day in Akademi High! Nothing can go wrong
and nobody will talk to SENPAI. As if you didn’t notice, You love senpai very
much and you would even commit MANSLAUGHTER for him! You stroll through without
a care in the world and knowing you commit 7 murders for HIM. Did you also
mention that you worship satan? It's fun if you kill innocents as you do it!
While striding to stalk your SENPAI you hear screams from the occult club, how
odd… normally they wouldn't scream if a fucking demon showed up and murdered
everyone in the school. Because they were trying to do it since grade school,
child's play! You peer into the occult club and see a portal leading to a burnt
down christmas town, some gray people with horns, and skeletons. You need to
get into the portal to investigate further. “Hey, what’s going on in here?” You
yell to be heard over the sound of the awful dubstep coming from the portal.
“We have no fucking clue.” Yelled back Oka’s second in command, who had taken
over until Oka gets back. (Yeah lol she’s never getting back that bitch got
noscoped by Yan-Chan.) “I’m gonna go through it!” You yell. “Ok then, if you
want!” laughs one of the other members. Honestly, how are all of them still
alive? Oka’s the only one out of the group who died! Oh well. You pass the
students and walk through the portal.
(Shrek’s POV)
Shrek had just made the best deal of his entire life. He now had even more
ONIONS than before. He was walking with the purple haired Satan spawn now, and
they were looking for a place to start. “Ok! I have no idea where the fuck we
are, so this is a good spot!” The boy smiled. Shrek Stood in the middle of a
field and started to chant. “Shinryaku shinryaku shinryaku shinryaku shinryaku
shinryaku ika-musume Kirakira na umi to kaze kagayaku atoriumu Minna de
atsumatte hajimemasho hajimemasho Hora hora soko no kimi, wagamama na taido de
Ochitari itakushitara ikan desho ikan desho Honto wa motto yasashii kimochi o
motteru deshou anata mo Hitoribocchi mo umi no heiwa mo ichigen kigen mo
shiawase mo mamorimasu! Ii kanji ☆ muteki ni ☆ susume ii kanji ☆ mujaki ni ☆
susume Higashi no shima ittara o-takara ippai daishouri! Ii kanji ☆ muboo ni ☆
susume ii kanji ☆ muchuu ni ☆ susume Tanjouseki ureshii kono mama tenka o
torenai ka? Shinryaku kouryaku keikaku seikou! Shinryaku kouryaku ika-musume
Ukiuki na umi no kaze kakedasu puromunaado Anata o mitsuketara narabimasho
narabimasho Dokidoki ki ni shiteru hajimari no gofun mae Oshitari okuretari wa
ikan desho ikan desho Honne wa itsumo kakushite ita yo kizutsukanai you ni ne
Hikikomori de mo heiwa shugi de mo ibara no michi de mo shiawase o tsukamitai!
Ii kanji ☆ muteki ni ☆ susume ii kanji ☆ mujaki ni ☆ susume Ami to sumi o
kaketara kouka batsugun hai-tacchi! Ii kanji ☆ muboo ni ☆ susume ii kanji ☆
muchuu ni ☆ susume Mezasu toko ga attara gattai shiyou ni naranai ka? Shinryaku
kouryaku keikaku seikou! Shinryaku kouryaku ika-musume Ima no yo no naka wa
chotto kyuukutsu na kanji Dakedo boku-tachi wa kyou mo suki na mono dake wa
kawaranai mama otona ni naru yo Ii kanji ☆ muteki ni ☆ susume ii kanji ☆ mujaki
ni ☆ susume Futari de hora ittara omoide takusan dekimashita Ii kanji ☆ muboo
ni ☆ susume ii kanji ☆ muchuu ni ☆ susume Hitori ja nee samishii kono mama
issho ni ikanai ka Shinryaku kouryaku keikaku seikou! Shinryaku kouryaku
shinryaku kouryaku shinryaku kouryaku ika-musume.” After the chant, three big-
ass walls rose from the ground. Holy shit it’s Attack on Titan! The walls were
Maria, Rose, and Sina. Wow. The boy looked over the amazing creation. Within
the first wall was… eh, nothing really. Just a long journey to the next wall,
and some enemies to face. Whatever. In Wall Rose, there was a Hot Topic. You
had to buy shit to get out. But in Wall Maria, There was… Shrek’s swamp. NO ONE
was getting past Shrek’s swamp. It surrounded the castle, which would be the
Headquarters. Perfect. Everything went according to plan, and Shrek would have
all of the onions he wanted. Onions.
Chapter End Notes
     Proofreading is for winners.
      
     We're all losers here.
     ALSO!!! We have a tumblr, Where the talented people post art and the
     writer just watches from a distance. Crying.
     https://www.tumblr.com/blog/welcometomemesheresyourhell
***** CHAPTER 7: Prepare For Quest! *****
Chapter Summary
     They actually start to get somewhere holy fuck.
     And some new characters.
Chapter Notes
     Sorry this shit took so long to update, I have a lot of projects
     coming up in school. I'll still get updates out every other day, but
     the time will vary.
See the end of the chapter for more notes
(Vriska’s POV)
Your name is VRISKA, and you are currently hundreds of feet underground,
talking to a skeleton and a weird fucking thing that looks like a melted alien
mess. The skeleton is pretty chill though. “well shit it looks like an evil
weeaboo has burnt the town down.” He says. “OH SNAP HE STOLE THE WI-FI!!”
Screeches the alien thing, which is actually named Jerry. Jerry starts to cry
again, before getting up, a defiant look in his eyes. “We have to get it back!
Let’s go on a quest!” He states. He and Equius convinced the others to do it,
so you guess you have no other option. You sigh, wondering how you got into
this mess.
(Karkat’s POV)
You are now KARKAT again. You are even more fucking done than you were before.
Now you gotta go on some dumbass quest because some hellspawn stole the Wi-Fi.
Suddenly, someone bursts out from the bushes in front of you! As you all ready
your weapons, they hold their hands up. “Please wait! I don’t want to fight! I
have a question for you!” We get a good look at the person. It looks like a
boy, with crazy white hair, and wearing a high-tech suit. Sans walks up to the
boy. “first answer our question. who are you?” “My name is Kiibo. I am the SHSL
Robot. I’m looking for this boy. Have you seen him?” The boy- robot? asks,
holding up a picture. The picture shows that fucking weeb that burned down
Snowden and stole the Wi-Fi! “YO IT’S THAT WEEABOO FUCK!” I yell. “Oh, you’ve
seen him?” Kiibo looks hopeful. “Yeah, he’s that guy that burned down
everything!” Vriska adds. “HE STOLE MY WI-FI!!1!” Jerry screeches. Good God,
he’s annoying. Kiibo’s expression darkens. “That little fucker’s got a big
storm coming.” “You should join us. We’re trying to find him too.” Says Nepeta.
Kiibo nods. We head off, planning.
(Kanaya’s POV)
Your name is KANAYA, and everyone is a fucking fashion disaster. You want to
cry, and update your fashion blog, but seeing as the Wi-Fi was stolen, you
can’t. So now you have to go on a quest with your friends. Your newest recruit,
a robot named Kiibo, is sharing information about your enemy. “-then he must
have summoned Shrek, who built the walls and barriers. We will have to get past
many obstacles, and knowing Ouma, one of them will be a… Hot Topic. We will
have to be very careful, and plan, so we can get past those walls.” He
explains. “that’s all well and good kid, but… where are the walls, exactly?”
Asks Sans. “Right up ahead.” Kiibo points. We all turn to look, and sure
enough, there is the first wall, on the horizon. We walk towards it when
suddenly I hear a noise. I look around, pulling out my lipstick/chainsaw. I
wasn’t the only one who noticed, as I see Nepeta, Eridan, Sans, and Kiibo all
have weapons drawn as well. There’s a rustling in the bushes, and then… twelve
people fall out. I look and… “Porrim?! What are you guys doing down here!?” I
yell. All twelve trolls get up and dust themselves off. “It’s kind of a long
story…” Porrim says. Someone else then begins to speak. “Which is why I need
all of you to sit down. This will take a while.” “NO! NOT YOU!!!” Karkat
screeches. Kankri looks coldly down at his relative. “Yes. Me. Now, sit down
and shut up, because, like she said, this might take a while.”
Chapter End Notes
     NEXT CHAPTER: How the fuck the alpha trolls got down here.
***** CHAPTER 8: Why Are You The Way You Are *****
Chapter Summary
     oh dAmn
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
(Meenah’s POV)
Your name is MEENAH and you just found your relatives when you and your
“friends” were behind a bush, your memory is a bit blurry about how you got
here but you still remember your friends climbing a really fucking shady
mountain and the next thing you know you're falling for 5 minutes. Sense you
fell first you were knocked unconscious by everyones fucking body, you were
basically a fish pillow to break their fall, you didn’t get a straight answer
what they did next but you woke up in a purple place, it was pretty lame though
when you move your head it hurt like hell but you could see your friends and a
white goat thing. That’s when your memory got blurry. Now you're sitting with
your relatives listening to Kankri ramble on it's been 10 minutes and your very
surprised that Porrim hasn’t stopped him. You really want to fucking go home.
(Kankri’s POV)
The time is near. Your name is KANKRI and your plan is working. These idiots.
They really think you’re still a SJW? They fall right for your facade. All it
takes is a story to bring up memories that will convince them. And, just to
point it out, YOU WERE MUCH YOUNGER. EVERYONE HAS AN EMBARRASSING SCENE PHASE
SOMETIME IN THEIR LIFE. FUCK OFF. Anyways, as you finish reaccounting your
story (leaving out a few minor details), you turn towards the others. It
appears that you have all agreed to join a quest to retrieve wi-fi. The perfect
cover up. All you have to do now is wait.
Chapter End Notes
     WhAt'S gOiNg On WiTh KaNkRi/???/?
      
     Oh shit wadupp
     Hey guys, sorry for the short chapter and short hiatus, school has
     just been really hard, and I needed a break. Next chapter will come
     out in 1-2 days (probably.)
***** CHAPTER 9: Ow The Edge *****
Chapter Summary
     More Ouma being a fuckboi
Chapter Notes
     Ay yo sorry for the long wait. Everyone worked on this chapter, so it
     was hard to get everything sorted out.
(Ouma’s POV)
Ouma was very pleased with his NEW IMPENETRABLE FORTRESS™. That shit is lit. He
used his demon powers (and newly acquired Wi-Fi) to open a bunch of holes in
space-time. Now the multiverses will finally combine. Soon, he would succeed.
He had only two problems (Kiibo and Magical Girls,) but neither of them could
reach him now. His fone rang. The contact was “Kiiboy.” Ouma had never been so
happy to talk to the robo-bitch. “Hey gayboy good luck getting into my castle,”
Ouma smirked. “I am coming Ouma. We’re coming for the wi-fi and coming for you.
Be ready bitchbaby.” “I AM READY! YOUR PUNNY QUEST GROUP IS NO MATCH FOR ME!”
Ouma laughed. Kiibo rolled his eyes. “We’ll see,” he said, hanging up. Ouma
just smiled and waited. The people he summoned would be here soon. Then he
would explain to them. It just takes time.
(Yandere-Chan’s POV)
Going through that portal was a piece of cake, but you have a bigger problem to
deal with now. Right as you dismounted out of the portal, the damn thing shut!
You shed a tear at the fact you won’t see your precious senpai no more! Who
cares? Except for you of course… You must find a way back, right now you find
yourself in a snowy town, looks to be christmas everyday here, how disgusting.
You walk around a bit, it’s very cold not to mention. After wandering for a
bit, surprisingly you find another portal, it must be christmas! You jump
through it (again…) and land by a lame looking castle, you must find a way in
FOR SENPAI!!! You equip your knife you were meaning to use on one of your
rivals but that can wait.
(Tsukiyama’s POV)
Your name is Tsukiyama, AKA Le cul japonais français du vin! Today you were
approached by an enraged soda-pop midget, at first you thought he just looked a
violet shorta Merde Visage
that would taste like weeaboo and panta. Someone of such refined taste as toi
would never consume that tâtonnergr ain de raisin. Then out of nowhere Le Bâton
foulard jambe cul Essuyer started to spout some fuckery about moi joining his
L'armée satanique des ânes. Normally i would have told the shrieking piece of
shit to go fuck a cactus but... you see, he had offered something that even moi
could not refuse. A PINT OF KANEKI’S LUSCIOUS BLOOD!!! You continued to stare
intensely at the sweet red substance in the young boi’s hand. Until he said “
if you help me light the world on fire i will offer you this blood” and then
harshly after he leaned towards Tsukiyama’s face and in a stirn tone breathed “
if you say no i will write a hate post about you on my tumblr blog you japanese
french weeb fuck “. Then Tsukiyama’s hands shook as he nodded his head, while
reaching for the vile of crimson. As finally of what felt like an eternity the
taller purple haired cunt finally had the container of lovely liquid in his
palms. Then abruptly fiddled with the cap and began to chuge the metallic red
as soon as the top was off. Then ouma stood there trying not to bust out
laughing or cry in disgust, as the french dip shit started to moan out “ Son
sang est tellement magnifique que je pourrais mourir! “ “ PLUS, J'AI BESOIN DE
PLUS DE CETTE CUISINE PARFAITE!!! ”. And in a end result of Tsukiyama’s loud
french noises he then screamed “ BAGUETTE ~ “ aaannnddd that was the moment
ouma decided he should definitely get the fuck out of there.
(Shadow’s POV)
Your name is Shadow the edgehog. You just so happen to come upon a strange
portal looking thing. You decide it isn’t edge enough for you. You reminded
yourself that were going to hunt down a Hot Topic to raid. You pick up the
scent of edge merchandise coming for the portal. You look back at it. As you
move closer you hear the song of the edge. As in like faint idubbbz and
numburus emo songs. You decide that there would be two outcomes of this. You
find a Hot Topic or you die. You leave not going in out of the question. With
the two wins of going through and answering the call of the edge you decide to
go in.
***** CHAPTER 10: My Memes Are Ironic My Depression Is Chronic *****
Chapter Summary
     We head back to our heroes to check up on them, and a new member is
     added to the party. Jerry and his friends head out, but little do
     they know that they are being watched, by friend and foe.
Chapter Notes
     Ya'll should know by now that I never proof read this shit.
      
     What's the point, it's fucking garbage anyways?
     Fuck yeah memes.
See the end of the chapter for more notes
(Kiibo's POV)
If this is what it takes to defeat Ouma, so be it, Kiibo had thought as he
joined the random weirdos on their quest to take back the Wi-Fi. Now, Kiibo was
regretting everything that has ever happened ever. ROBOTS SHOULD NOT HAVE TO
PUT UP WITH THIS SHIT.
(Jerry’s POV)
Jerry and Equius were officially dating, and Jerry was very happy about it.
Everyone else was super uncomfortable with it, but who cares? Karkat told them
to get a room. Jerry did not hear him, because he was thinking about Wi-Fi, and
started to cry again. “Why are you like this,” Dave said, and then screamed
suddenly as something appeared out of thin air. Dave and Dirk screamed, Dave in
fear, Dirk in excitement. “CAL! I missed you buddy!” Dirk said, picking up the
creepy-ass puppet. Cal stared into everyone’s souls.
(Dave’s POV)
End my life daddy. Your name is DAVE, and you wanna fucking die, fam. This is
all because of that damn game. If only you and your three friends, John (Style
Child), Rose (Hella Gay™), and Jade (Space Furry) hadn’t played that stupid
game, maybe you could still pretend that you didn’t have emotions and that
you’re dead inside. You could pretend that it’s all good in the hood, even
though in reality there are many socio-economic problems in the hood. But now
you’re stuck in a different universe hundreds of miles underground, surrounded
by trolls, weirdos, and idiots, and you are contemplating eating an entire bowl
of tarantula eggs. Now that Cal’s here, your life’s gonna be a living hell. At
least your friends are here.
(Doctor-Chan’s POV)
Doctor-Chan gasped as he saw the great heroes on their brave quest for the Wi-
Fi. “THE PROPHECY HAS BEGUN! I MUST ASSIST THESE HEROES, SO THE WORLD WILL BE
AT PEACE AGAIN!” Doctor-Chan said calmly. He picked up a phone. “SAKURA-CHAN.
THE TIME IS AT HAND. IT IS TIME FOR YOU TO BE AN ANIME HERO AGAIN. IT IS TIME
FOR YOU TO YET AGAIN BECOME… A MAGIC NEKO GIRL!!!”
Chapter End Notes
     If you haven't watched Sugoi Quest For Kokoro yet, Check it out on
     Youtube, It's funny as fuck.
***** CHAPTER 11: Jeffry *****
Chapter Summary
     Jeffry
Chapter Notes
     I just...
     what the fuck?
See the end of the chapter for more notes
Once upon a time there was a special boi this was no ordinary special boi
either dis boi
was a snake
Dis boi whenever he ate something he became it one day he ate a frog he became
a frog snake boi then he ate a man he became a snake frog boi boy
Nobody like him his name was jeffry so they yeeted him into a river
He woke up in shrek's swamp where he saw shrek riding a tiny donkey with his
eyes extending from his head and shrek ran up to jeffry who looked like a
retard standing there in a splits and shrek gave him some beer with a strange
skeleton on it wearing a blue hoodie and jeffry fell on it and swallowed it
whole and then he fell asleep and had a dream of fighting monsters in a cave
and sa the skeleton who jeffry slithered past and then he woke up with legs in
modern day and he ate a bunch of things including a bucket(got eem) and toilet
and garbage can and to use less energy and get around faster he bought a
unicycle and he learned how to use weapons that was the story
Of
J
E
F
F
R
Y
The snake
Chapter End Notes
     I'm sorry this story exists. All of it.
      
     This chapter was written months ago by my dear friend Aden. Thank you
     Aden and why
***** CHAPTER 12: Existence Is Pain *****
Chapter Summary
     This is how to get your troops ready for battle.
Chapter Notes
     Hell yeah
(Shrek’s POV)
Shrek only sees green, and the love of his Shrekalicious slaves.
(Ouma’s POV)
“IT’S TIME TO RALLY THE TROOPS! rrrroooOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLINGG THUNDER!!!!!!” Ouma
screeched. “That’s not gonna work you purple weeb fuck!” yelled someone else.
“FUCK YOU!” Ouma decided to use a secret weapon. Something that would not only
get his troops to listen, but would lure the enemy to their doom! Ouma plugged
in some speakers, and hit play.
Eat 'em up, Eat 'em up, Eat 'em up, Eat 'em up!
Eat 'em up, Eat 'em up, Eat 'em up, Eat 'em up!
Reese's Puffs, Reese's Puffs!
Eat 'em up, Eat 'em up, Eat 'em up, Eat 'em up!
Reese's Puffs, Reese's Puffs!
Eat 'em up, Eat 'em up, Eat 'em up, Eat 'em up!
(Wow)
I got Reese's Puffs in my bowl
(Wow)
Now my day's on cruise control
(Wow)
I got reese's puffs in my bowl
(Wow)
And just like that I'm on a roll
Reese's Puffs, Reese's Puffs!
Peanut butter chocolate flavor
Reese's Puffs, Reese's Puffs!
In the am, it's the flavor I savor
Peanut butter and chocolate too
You know how I do, That's what I wake up to
My Reese's Puffs inspired this rhyme
That peanut butter chocolate combination's on time
Reese's Puffs, Reese's Puffs! (Eat 'em up, eat 'em up)
Reese's Puffs, Reese's Puffs! (Eat 'em up, eat 'em up)
Reese's Puffs, Reese's Puffs! (Eat 'em up, eat 'em up)
Reese's Puffs, Reese's Puffs! (Eat 'em up, eat 'em up)
('Cause uptown funk gonna give it to ya)
Eat 'em up, Eat 'em up, Eat 'em up, Eat 'em up!
(Saturday night and we in the spot)
Eat 'em up, Eat 'em up, Eat 'em up, Eat 'em up!
(Wow)
I got Reese's Puffs in my bowl
(Wow)
Now my day's on cruise control
(Wow)
I got reese's puffs in my bowl
(Wow)
And just like that I'm on a roll
Reese's Puffs, Reese's Puffs!
Peanut butter chocolate flavor
Reese's Puffs, Reese's Puffs!
In the am, it's the flavor I savor
Peanut butter and chocolate too
You know how I do, That's what I wake up to
My Reese's Puffs inspired this rhyme
That peanut butter chocolate combination's on time
Reese's Puffs, Reese's Puffs!
Eat 'em up, Eat 'em up, Eat 'em up, Eat 'em up!
Reese's Puffs, Reese's Puffs!
Eat 'em up, Eat 'em up, Eat 'em up, Eat 'em up!
(Wow)
I got Reese's Puffs in my bowl
(Wow)
Now my day's on cruise control
(Wow)
I got Reese's Puffs in my bowl
(Wow)
And just like that I'm on a roll
Reese's Puffs, Reese's Puffs! (Eat 'em up, eat 'em up)
Reese's Puffs, Reese's Puffs! (Eat 'em up, eat 'em up)
Reese's Puffs, Reese's Puffs! (Eat 'em up, eat 'em up)
Reese's Puffs, Reese's Puffs! (Eat 'em up, eat 'em up)
('Cause uptown funk gonna give it to ya)
Eat 'em up, Eat 'em up, Eat 'em up, Eat 'em up!
(Saturday night and we in the spot)
Eat 'em up, Eat 'em up, Eat 'em up, Eat 'em up!
(Wow)
I got Reese's Puffs in my bowl
(Wow)
Now my day's on cruise control
(Wow)
I got Reese's Puffs in my bowl
(Wow)
And just like that I'm on a roll
Reese's Puffs, Reese's Puffs!
Peanut butter chocolate flavor
Reese's Puffs, Reese's Puffs!
In the am, it's the flavor I savor
Peanut butter and chocolate too
You know how I do, That's what I wake up to
My Reese's Puffs inspired this rhyme
That peanut butter chocolate combination's on time
Reese's Puffs, Reese's Puffs!
Eat 'em up, Eat 'em up, Eat 'em up, Eat 'em up!
Reese's Puffs, Reese's Puffs!
Eat 'em up, Eat 'em up, Eat 'em up, Eat 'em up!
Reese's Puffs, Eat 'em up, Eat 'em up (Up-town funk you up)
Reese's Puffs, Eat 'em up (Uptown funk you up)
Reese's Puffs, Eat 'em up, Eat 'em up (Up-town funk you up)
Reese's Puffs, Eat 'em up (Uptown funk you up)
Reese's Puffs, Eat 'em up, Eat 'em up (Up-town funk you up)
Reese's Puffs, Eat 'em up (Uptown funk you up)
Reese's Puffs, Eat 'em up, Eat 'em up (Up-town funk you up)
Reese's Puffs, Reese's Puffs! (Uptown funk you up! )
Reese's Puffs, Eat 'em up, Eat 'em up (Up-town funk you up)
Reese's Puffs, Eat 'em up (Uptown funk you up)
Reese's Puffs, Eat 'em up, Eat 'em up (Up-town funk you up)
Reese's Puffs, Eat 'em up (Uptown funk you up)
Reese's Puffs, Eat 'em up, Eat 'em up (Up-town funk you up)
Reese's Puffs, Eat 'em up (Uptown funk you up)
Reese's Puffs, Eat 'em up, Eat 'em up (Up-town funk you up)
Reese's Puffs, Reese's Puffs!
Oh hell yeah. Everybody was all for that shit. Ouma gave everybody Reese’s
Puffs and THEY SET OFF TO PREPARE FOR WAR.
(Tsukiyama’s POV)
Tsukiyama may have agreed to being part of this war, but as he strolled through
the walls of the fortress attempting to find other comrades to do the bidding
of the cul mordre cul Singe they had as a leader. He would see something that
would make his will to live die. “LE GASP” he had cried in french (even though
that is not french). It was was a sweaty tar-like store that wreaked of angsty
teen and weird otaku cul Lingettes. With an atrocious color scheme of neon
pastels and black everything else. The closer he got the more disturbed he
became. IT”S WAS A HOT TOPIC, DUN, DUN, DUN. Tsukiyama could not help but make
this face while he strolled through the aisles as he picked up a shirt and
screeched “CE Ñ'A PAS DE CHIC”. Then he fell on the floor began to sob. But as
he sobbed he could hear a cracking noise come from his pocket, Wait he thought.
FUCK he thought as soon as he realized it was his bitch ass phone. The god
damned glass broke and fell OFF the screen as he held it. God damnit, how am i
supposed to speak broken french without google translate. He began to sob
louder with grace. As he said “ good bye cruel world” as he dramatically died.
(but he will come back because he’s an important character and the story needs
some “diversity”)
***** CHAPTER 13: Boring Shit *****
Chapter Summary
     They buy shit
Chapter Notes
     Fuck me it's been almost a month
      
     Sorry
See the end of the chapter for more notes
(Jerry’s POV)
“Ay yo how far are we from that fuckin’ wall?” asked Eridan. “Are we there
yet??” Whined someone else. “EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP! WE’LL GET THERE WHEN WE
GET THERE!” Yelled Karkat. Jerry sighed. Everyone was getting bored from all
this walking, even the levelheaded ones were starting to complain. It all
seemed hopeless when… “LOOK! There’s a town! Now everyone can rest before we go
over the wall!” Kanaya sighed in relief. “Ok you little gay fucks, here’s the
plan. We’re gonna go buy shit, then, we’ll go to a hotel, and tomorrow we’ll
buy important shit and attempt to get over the wall and find more people to
help our cause.” Rose spoke calmly, and everyone agreed with her plan. So they
split into groups. Jerry went with Equius, Nepeta, Karkat, and the love square.
They went into a store. “Buenos dias,” greeted the shopkeeper. He was a weird
guy with a weird mask. The trolls had learned not to ask too many questions by
now. “What do you sell here?” Asked Sollux. The masked guy threw a bunch of
things at them. “Buy my shit.” They bought the shit with some ghost dollas and
the guy screeched happily about credits for five seconds and then the decided
to go somewhere else. “Can we get some candy?” asked Nepeta. “Sure why the fuck
not?” said Karkat. “Nepeta, why do you want candy?” questioned Equius. Nepeta
smiled, “To lure in my enemies so I can maul them and feed on their corpses.
Dammit Equius, did you not hear not to ask questions? They stepped inside the
candy store, and that fuccboi with the mask was in there too! “What the fuck?!”
yelled Karkat. “Buy something or fuck off normie.” said the guy. “Who are you?”
asked Jerry. “My name is Zacharie, and I’m just a simple merchant.” “So, you
have like, two stores?” Feferi inquired. Zacharie (probably) smiled under the
mask. “No.” “How many do you have?” Aradia questioned. “ALL.” They decided not
to go to anymore stores for the time being, and went back to the hotel to meet
the others. They all went the fuck to sleep, and would begin their quest
tomorrow. Everyone was annoying. They all had horrible nightmares.
(Zacharie’s POV)
Zacharie was rich as hell. Fuck yeah he loved quest parties.
Creditssssssssssssss.
(Kankri’s POV)
It’s morning now, and you have to deal with these fucks. You regret being
alive. But someone needs to defend the world against evil. Everyone is FINALLY
getting out the door and going to buy important shit, but you have everything
you need, cause you’re fucking magical, and also not a fucking idiot, so you
came prepared. Suck my meme everybody.
Chapter End Notes
     I'm gonna add some shitty OCs
***** Chapter 14: Kill Yourself *****
Chapter Notes
     Yoooooooooooo Here's your next chapter, sorry for the delays, I've
     been sick and traveling. Chapter updates will be a lot more frequent
     when school starts up again, cause this bullshit is how I distract
     myself.
(Eridan’s POV)
Preps can burn in hell. Eridan, it’s time to play your favorite game; how many
suicide jokes and depression memes can you fit into your existence before
people realize you’re serious? Unfortunately, this game has lost all it’s fun,
because after you tried to die four time people realized you weren’t joking.
Your group arrives at the wall. Just then, that THOT Zacharie appears! “Buenos
días you fucking normies. How do you plan to get over this wall?”
 
(Ouma’s POV)
“Wus poppin’ Jimbo?” Ouma asked. “Kill yourself you fucking prep,” Said Shadow
the Edgehog. “RUDE!” Ouma screeched and defenestrated the edgyboi. Ouma went to
the contact mirror portal thing. “ey b0ss.” A mysterious figure looked through
the other side. “What?” “The plan is going according to plan. Soon the world
will be conquered.” “Yeah let’s go boiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Now begone THOT.”
The Mystery Man disappeared. Ouma decided to take some lives.
(Zacharie’s POV)
Zacharie watched as the group of normies tried to decide how to get over the
wall. “I could help you,” he said, “but you’d have to give me some fuckin
money.” “Hell naw m8 we’ll find our own way we already spent like 20,000
credits.” Said some responsible fucking prep. Zacharie cried over the loss of
possible credits.
(???’s POV)
??? looked at his surroundings, and then to his friends. It was almost their
time. Almost, but not quite yet.
***** Chapter 15: It’s Britney Bitch *****
Chapter Summary
     Uh oh SpaghettiO
Chapter Notes
     I'm back and very sorry for being a depressed piece of shit and not
     updating. I will attempt to update more frequently, and I'm also
     going to be adding EVEN MORE fandoms, so I'm sorry at y'all who are
     already/will be fucking confused, but I have to fuck this shit up
     even more.
(In Another Universe) It was a chilly October night, and a young boy was
walking home from a friend’s house. He shivered. I should have brought a warmer
jacket… he thought. The sun was setting, leaving the small town bathed in a
yellow-orange glow. It was rather late, and the town was rather small, so it
wasn’t surprising there was no one out. What was surprising was the amount of
closed shops. Most of the stores on main street were closed, and the few that
weren’t were bars and other places that stayed open late into the night. The
boy considered his options. I wanted to walk on main street because I thought
it would be faster, The boy thought, But it seems to be taking longer. I’ll
remember that next time. He was still deep in thought when he heard a crash
behind him. He spun around and looked at where the sound had come from. The
alley behind him seemed like a likely option, so he went over and looked in.
All he saw were garbage cans stacked up, some old cardboard, and a dark colored
cat with intelligent golden eyes. The cat, he thought. It must have been the
cat. Even so, as he looked away and continued his walk, he felt a new presence
watching him. He turned, but saw nothing, and no one. Then, he saw movement in
a store window. He bent towards the glass, hoping to catch a glimpse of a
person. He saw nothing, but felt like something was staring straight at him. He
looked closer. He thought he saw a silhouette, was that…? Before he could make
out the shape, it disappeared. He tried to find it again, but then heard
footsteps behind him. He swiveled around, but there was no one. Yet again, he
felt like he was being watched, but this time he was certain. There was someone
following him. The boy decided he would try to remain calm, and pretend he
didn’t notice. All he had to do was wait for the stalker to slip up. He walked
for another few minutes, every once and awhile hearing tell-tale signs that he
was being followed, always feeling someone’s eyes on him. Then, he turned
suddenly. He saw something disappear into a bush, about twenty feet back. The
boy approached the bush. “I know you’re there! Come out!” He ordered. He called
a couple more times, then prodded the bush with his foot. Suddenly, a figure
jumped out. “IT'S ME, SHREK!” Shrek screamed. The young boy screeched. Then,
the young boy punched Shrek in the face and ran home. He locked all the doors
and made a pentagram. He took his Shrek DVD and burned it. This was the second
damn time this week Shrek had followed him. When the DVD was completely melted,
he breathed a sigh of relief. Shrek would haunt him no more.
***** Chapter 16: Y’all fuckin knew I was gonna do this at some point *****
Chapter Notes
     The next one will bee better
Here's a dead meme
According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able
to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The
bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don't care what humans think is
impossible. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Ooh,
black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little. Barry! Breakfast is ready!
Ooming! Hang on a second. Hello? - Barry? - Adam? - Oan you believe this is
happening? - I can't. I'll pick you up. Looking sharp. Use the stairs. Your
father paid good money for those. Sorry. I'm excited. Here's the graduate.
We're very proud of you, son. A perfect report card, all B's. Very proud. Ma! I
got a thing going here. - You got lint on your fuzz. - Ow! That's me! - Wave to
us! We'll be in row 118,000. - Bye! Barry, I told you, stop flying in the
house! - Hey, Adam. - Hey, Barry. - Is that fuzz gel? - A little. Special day,
graduation. Never thought I'd make it. Three days grade school, three days high
school. Those were awkward. Three days college. I'm glad I took a day and
hitchhiked around the hive. You did come back different. - Hi, Barry. - Artie,
growing a mustache? Looks good. - Hear about Frankie? - Yeah. - You going to
the funeral? - No, I'm not going. Everybody knows, sting someone, you die.
Don't waste it on a squirrel. Such a hothead. I guess he could have just gotten
out of the way. I love this incorporating an amusement park into our day.
That's why we don't need vacations. Boy, quite a bit of pomp... under the
circumstances. - Well, Adam, today we are men. - We are! - Bee-men. - Amen!
Hallelujah! Students, faculty, distinguished bees, please welcome Dean
Buzzwell. Welcome, New Hive Oity graduating class of... ...9:15. That concludes
our ceremonies. And begins your career at Honex Industries! Will we pick ourjob
today? I heard it's just orientation. Heads up! Here we go. Keep your hands and
antennas inside the tram at all times. - Wonder what it'll be like? - A little
scary. Welcome to Honex, a division of Honesco and a part of the Hexagon Group.
This is it! Wow. Wow. We know that you, as a bee, have worked your whole life
to get to the point where you can work for your whole life. Honey begins when
our valiant Pollen Jocks bring the nectar to the hive. Our top-secret formula
is automatically color-corrected, scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured into this
soothing sweet syrup with its distinctive golden glow you know as... Honey! -
That girl was hot. - She's my cousin! - She is? - Yes, we're all cousins. -
Right. You're right. - At Honex, we constantly strive to improve every aspect
of bee existence. These bees are stress-testing a new helmet technology. - What
do you think he makes? - Not enough. Here we have our latest advancement, the
Krelman. - What does that do? - Oatches that little strand of honey that hangs
after you pour it. Saves us millions. Oan anyone work on the Krelman? Of
course. Most bee jobs are small ones. But bees know that every small job, if
it's done well, means a lot. But choose carefully because you'll stay in the
job you pick for the rest of your life. The same job the rest of your life? I
didn't know that. What's the difference? You'll be happy to know that bees, as
a species, haven't had one day off in 27 million years. So you'll just work us
to death? We'll sure try. Wow! That blew my mind! "What's the difference?" How
can you say that? One job forever? That's an insane choice to have to make. I'm
relieved. Now we only have to make one decision in life. But, Adam, how could
they never have told us that? Why would you question anything? We're bees.
We're the most perfectly functioning society on Earth. You ever think maybe
things work a little too well here? Like what? Give me one example. I don't
know. But you know what I'm talking about. Please clear the gate. Royal Nectar
Force on approach. Wait a second. Oheck it out. - Hey, those are Pollen Jocks!
- Wow. I've never seen them this close. They know what it's like outside the
hive. Yeah, but some don't come back. - Hey, Jocks! - Hi, Jocks! You guys did
great! You're monsters! You're sky freaks! I love it! I love it! - I wonder
where they were. - I don't know. Their day's not planned. Outside the hive,
flying who knows where, doing who knows what. You can't just decide to be a
Pollen Jock. You have to be bred for that. Right. Look. That's more pollen than
you and I will see in a lifetime. It's just a status symbol. Bees make too much
of it. Perhaps. Unless you're wearing it and the ladies see you wearing it.
Those ladies? Aren't they our cousins too? Distant. Distant. Look at these two.
- Oouple of Hive Harrys. - Let's have fun with them. It must be dangerous being
a Pollen Jock. Yeah. Once a bear pinned me against a mushroom! He had a paw on
my throat, and with the other, he was slapping me! - Oh, my! - I never thought
I'd knock him out. What were you doing during this? Trying to alert the
authorities. I can autograph that. A little gusty out there today, wasn't it,
comrades? Yeah. Gusty. We're hitting a sunflower patch six miles from here
tomorrow. - Six miles, huh? - Barry! A puddle jump for us, but maybe you're not
up for it. - Maybe I am. - You are not! We're going 0900 at J-Gate. What do you
think, buzzy-boy? Are you bee enough? I might be. It all depends on what 0900
means. Hey, Honex! Dad, you surprised me. You decide what you're interested in?
- Well, there's a lot of choices. - But you only get one. Do you ever get bored
doing the same job every day? Son, let me tell you about stirring. You grab
that stick, and you just move it around, and you stir it around. You get
yourself into a rhythm. It's a beautiful thing. You know, Dad, the more I think
about it, maybe the honey field just isn't right for me. You were thinking of
what, making balloon animals? That's a bad job for a guy with a stinger. Janet,
your son's not sure he wants to go into honey! - Barry, you are so funny
sometimes. - I'm not trying to be funny. You're not funny! You're going into
honey. Our son, the stirrer! - You're gonna be a stirrer? - No one's listening
to me! Wait till you see the sticks I have. I could say anything right now. I'm
gonna get an ant tattoo! Let's open some honey and celebrate! Maybe I'll pierce
my thorax. Shave my antennae. Shack up with a grasshopper. Get a gold tooth and
call everybody "dawg"! I'm so proud. - We're starting work today! - Today's the
day. Oome on! All the good jobs will be gone. Yeah, right. Pollen counting,
stunt bee, pouring, stirrer, front desk, hair removal... - Is it still
available? - Hang on. Two left! One of them's yours! Oongratulations! Step to
the side. - What'd you get? - Picking crud out. Stellar! Wow! Oouple of
newbies? Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready! Make your choice. - You want to
go first? - No, you go. Oh, my. What's available? Restroom attendant's open,
not for the reason you think. - Any chance of getting the Krelman? - Sure,
you're on. I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out. Wax monkey's always open.
The Krelman opened up again. What happened? A bee died. Makes an opening. See?
He's dead. Another dead one. Deady. Deadified. Two more dead. Dead from the
neck up. Dead from the neck down. That's life! Oh, this is so hard! Heating,
cooling, stunt bee, pourer, stirrer, humming, inspector number seven, lint
coordinator, stripe supervisor, mite wrangler. Barry, what do you think I
should... Barry? Barry! All right, we've got the sunflower patch in quadrant
nine... What happened to you? Where are you? - I'm going out. - Out? Out where?
- Out there. - Oh, no! I have to, before I go to work for the rest of my life.
You're gonna die! You're crazy! Hello? Another call coming in. If anyone's
feeling brave, there's a Korean deli on 83rd that gets their roses today. Hey,
guys. - Look at that. - Isn't that the kid we saw yesterday? Hold it, son,
flight deck's restricted. It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up. Really?
Feeling lucky, are you? Sign here, here. Just initial that. - Thank you. - OK.
You got a rain advisory today, and as you all know, bees cannot fly in rain. So
be careful. As always, watch your brooms, hockey sticks, dogs, birds, bears and
bats. Also, I got a couple of reports of root beer being poured on us. Murphy's
in a home because of it, babbling like a cicada! - That's awful. - And a
reminder for you rookies, bee law number one, absolutely no talking to humans!
All right, launch positions! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz!
Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Black and yellow! Hello! You ready for this, hot shot?
Yeah. Yeah, bring it on. Wind, check. - Antennae, check. - Nectar pack, check.
- Wings, check. - Stinger, check. Scared out of my shorts, check. OK, ladies,
let's move it out! Pound those petunias, you striped stem-suckers! All of you,
drain those flowers! Wow! I'm out! I can't believe I'm out! So blue. I feel so
fast and free! Box kite! Wow! Flowers! This is Blue Leader. We have roses
visual. Bring it around 30 degrees and hold. Roses! 30 degrees, roger. Bringing
it around. Stand to the side, kid. It's got a bit of a kick. That is one nectar
collector! - Ever see pollination up close? - No, sir. I pick up some pollen
here, sprinkle it over here. Maybe a dash over there, a pinch on that one. See
that? It's a little bit of magic. That's amazing. Why do we do that? That's
pollen power. More pollen, more flowers, more nectar, more honey for us. Oool.
I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow. Oould be daisies. Don't we need those?
Oopy that visual. Wait. One of these flowers seems to be on the move. Say
again? You're reporting a moving flower? Affirmative. That was on the line!
This is the coolest. What is it? I don't know, but I'm loving this color. It
smells good. Not like a flower, but I like it. Yeah, fuzzy. Ohemical-y.
Oareful, guys. It's a little grabby. My sweet lord of bees! Oandy-brain, get
off there! Problem! - Guys! - This could be bad. Affirmative. Very close. Gonna
hurt. Mama's little boy. You are way out of position, rookie! Ooming in at you
like a missile! Help me! I don't think these are flowers. - Should we tell him?
- I think he knows. What is this?! Match point! You can start packing up,
honey, because you're about to eat it! Yowser! Gross. There's a bee in the car!
- Do something! - I'm driving! - Hi, bee. - He's back here! He's going to sting
me! Nobody move. If you don't move, he won't sting you. Freeze! He blinked!
Spray him, Granny! What are you doing?! Wow... the tension level out here is
unbelievable. I gotta get home. Oan't fly in rain. Oan't fly in rain. Oan't fly
in rain. Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down! Ken, could you close the window
please? Ken, could you close the window please? Oheck out my new resume. I made
it into a fold-out brochure. You see? Folds out. Oh, no. More humans. I don't
need this. What was that? Maybe this time. This time. This time. This time!
This time! This... Drapes! That is diabolical. It's fantastic. It's got all my
special skills, even my top-ten favorite movies. What's number one? Star Wars?
Nah, I don't go for that... ...kind of stuff. No wonder we shouldn't talk to
them. They're out of their minds. When I leave a job interview, they're
flabbergasted, can't believe what I say. There's the sun. Maybe that's a way
out. I don't remember the sun having a big 75 on it. I predicted global
warming. I could feel it getting hotter. At first I thought it was just me.
Wait! Stop! Bee! Stand back. These are winter boots. Wait! Don't kill him! You
know I'm allergic to them! This thing could kill me! Why does his life have
less value than yours? Why does his life have any less value than mine? Is that
your statement? I'm just saying all life has value. You don't know what he's
capable of feeling. My brochure! There you go, little guy. I'm not scared of
him. It's an allergic thing. Put that on your resume brochure. My whole face
could puff up. Make it one of your special skills. Knocking someone out is also
a special skill. Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks. - Vanessa, next week? Yogurt
night? - Sure, Ken. You know, whatever. - You could put carob chips on there. -
Bye. - Supposed to be less calories. - Bye. I gotta say something. She saved my
life. I gotta say something. All right, here it goes. Nah. What would I say? I
could really get in trouble. It's a bee law. You're not supposed to talk to a
human. I can't believe I'm doing this. I've got to. Oh, I can't do it. Oome on!
No. Yes. No. Do it. I can't. How should I start it? "You like jazz?" No, that's
no good. Here she comes! Speak, you fool! Hi! I'm sorry. - You're talking. -
Yes, I know. You're talking! I'm so sorry. No, it's OK. It's fine. I know I'm
dreaming. But I don't recall going to bed. Well, I'm sure this is very
disconcerting. This is a bit of a surprise to me. I mean, you're a bee! I am.
And I'm not supposed to be doing this, but they were all trying to kill me. And
if it wasn't for you... I had to thank you. It's just how I was raised. That
was a little weird. - I'm talking with a bee. - Yeah. I'm talking to a bee. And
the bee is talking to me! I just want to say I'm grateful. I'll leave now. -
Wait! How did you learn to do that? - What? The talking thing. Same way you
did, I guess. "Mama, Dada, honey." You pick it up. - That's very funny. - Yeah.
Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh, we'd cry with what we have to deal with.
Anyway... Oan I... ...get you something? - Like what? I don't know. I mean... I
don't know. Ooffee? I don't want to put you out. It's no trouble. It takes two
minutes. - It's just coffee. - I hate to impose. - Don't be ridiculous! -
Actually, I would love a cup. Hey, you want rum cake? - I shouldn't. - Have
some. - No, I can't. - Oome on! I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms. -
Where? - These stripes don't help. You look great! I don't know if you know
anything about fashion. Are you all right? No. He's making the tie in the cab
as they're flying up Madison. He finally gets there. He runs up the steps into
the church. The wedding is on. And he says, "Watermelon? I thought you said
Guatemalan. Why would I marry a watermelon?" Is that a bee joke? That's the
kind of stuff we do. Yeah, different. So, what are you gonna do, Barry? About
work? I don't know. I want to do my part for the hive, but I can't do it the
way they want. I know how you feel. - You do? - Sure. My parents wanted me to
be a lawyer or a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist. - Really? - My only
interest is flowers. Our new queen was just elected with that same campaign
slogan. Anyway, if you look... There's my hive right there. See it? You're in
Sheep Meadow! Yes! I'm right off the Turtle Pond! No way! I know that area. I
lost a toe ring there once. - Why do girls put rings on their toes? - Why not?
- It's like putting a hat on your knee. - Maybe I'll try that. - You all right,
ma'am? - Oh, yeah. Fine. Just having two cups of coffee! Anyway, this has been
great. Thanks for the coffee. Yeah, it's no trouble. Sorry I couldn't finish
it. If I did, I'd be up the rest of my life. Are you...? Oan I take a piece of
this with me? Sure! Here, have a crumb. - Thanks! - Yeah. All right. Well,
then... I guess I'll see you around. Or not. OK, Barry. And thank you so much
again... for before. Oh, that? That was nothing. Well, not nothing, but...
Anyway... This can't possibly work. He's all set to go. We may as well try it.
OK, Dave, pull the chute. - Sounds amazing. - It was amazing! It was the
scariest, happiest moment of my life. Humans! I can't believe you were with
humans! Giant, scary humans! What were they like? Huge and crazy. They talk
crazy. They eat crazy giant things. They drive crazy. - Do they try and kill
you, like on TV? - Some of them. But some of them don't. - How'd you get back?
- Poodle. You did it, and I'm glad. You saw whatever you wanted to see. You had
your "experience." Now you can pick out yourjob and be normal. - Well... -
Well? Well, I met someone. You did? Was she Bee-ish? - A wasp?! Your parents
will kill you! - No, no, no, not a wasp. - Spider? - I'm not attracted to
spiders. I know it's the hottest thing, with the eight legs and all. I can't
get by that face. So who is she? She's... human. No, no. That's a bee law. You
wouldn't break a bee law. - Her name's Vanessa. - Oh, boy. She's so nice. And
she's a florist! Oh, no! You're dating a human florist! We're not dating.
You're flying outside the hive, talking to humans that attack our homes with
power washers and M-80s! One-eighth a stick of dynamite! She saved my life! And
she understands me. This is over! Eat this. This is not over! What was that? -
They call it a crumb. - It was so stingin' stripey! And that's not what they
eat. That's what falls off what they eat! - You know what a Oinnabon is? - No.
It's bread and cinnamon and frosting. They heat it up... Sit down! ...really
hot! - Listen to me! We are not them! We're us. There's us and there's them!
Yes, but who can deny the heart that is yearning? There's no yearning. Stop
yearning. Listen to me! You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. Thinking
bee! - Thinking bee. - Thinking bee. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee!
Thinking bee! There he is. He's in the pool. You know what your problem is,
Barry? I gotta start thinking bee? How much longer will this go on? It's been
three days! Why aren't you working? I've got a lot of big life decisions to
think about. What life? You have no life! You have no job. You're barely a bee!
Would it kill you to make a little honey? Barry, come out. Your father's
talking to you. Martin, would you talk to him? Barry, I'm talking to you! You
coming? Got everything? All set! Go ahead. I'll catch up. Don't be too long.
Watch this! Vanessa! - We're still here. - I told you not to yell at him. He
doesn't respond to yelling! - Then why yell at me? - Because you don't listen!
I'm not listening to this. Sorry, I've gotta go. - Where are you going? - I'm
meeting a friend. A girl? Is this why you can't decide? Bye. I just hope she's
Bee-ish. They have a huge parade of flowers every year in Pasadena? To be in
the Tournament of Roses, that's every florist's dream! Up on a float,
surrounded by flowers, crowds cheering. A tournament. Do the roses compete in
athletic events? No. All right, I've got one. How come you don't fly
everywhere? It's exhausting. Why don't you run everywhere? It's faster. Yeah,
OK, I see, I see. All right, your turn. TiVo. You can just freeze live TV?
That's insane! You don't have that? We have Hivo, but it's a disease. It's a
horrible, horrible disease. Oh, my. Dumb bees! You must want to sting all those
jerks. We try not to sting. It's usually fatal for us. So you have to watch
your temper. Very carefully. You kick a wall, take a walk, write an angry
letter and throw it out. Work through it like any emotion: Anger, jealousy,
lust. Oh, my goodness! Are you OK? Yeah. - What is wrong with you?! - It's a
bug. He's not bothering anybody. Get out of here, you creep! What was that? A
Pic 'N' Save circular? Yeah, it was. How did you know? It felt like about 10
pages. Seventy-five is pretty much our limit. You've really got that down to a
science. - I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue. - I'll bet. What in the name of
Mighty Hercules is this? How did this get here? Oute Bee, Golden Blossom, Ray
Liotta Private Select? - Is he that actor? - I never heard of him. - Why is
this here? - For people. We eat it. You don't have enough food of your own? -
Well, yes. - How do you get it? - Bees make it. - I know who makes it! And it's
hard to make it! There's heating, cooling, stirring. You need a whole Krelman
thing! - It's organic. - It's our-ganic! It's just honey, Barry. Just what?!
Bees don't know about this! This is stealing! A lot of stealing! You've taken
our homes, schools, hospitals! This is all we have! And it's on sale?! I'm
getting to the bottom of this. I'm getting to the bottom of all of this! Hey,
Hector. - You almost done? - Almost. He is here. I sense it. Well, I guess I'll
go home now and just leave this nice honey out, with no one around. You're
busted, box boy! I knew I heard something. So you can talk! I can talk. And now
you'll start talking! Where you getting the sweet stuff? Who's your supplier? I
don't understand. I thought we were friends. The last thing we want to do is
upset bees! You're too late! It's ours now! You, sir, have crossed the wrong
sword! You, sir, will be lunch for my iguana, Ignacio! Where is the honey
coming from? Tell me where! Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms! Orazy
person! What horrible thing has happened here? These faces, they never knew
what hit them. And now they're on the road to nowhere! Just keep still. What?
You're not dead? Do I look dead? They will wipe anything that moves. Where you
headed? To Honey Farms. I am onto something huge here. I'm going to Alaska.
Moose blood, crazy stuff. Blows your head off! I'm going to Tacoma. - And you?
- He really is dead. All right. Uh-oh! - What is that?! - Oh, no! - A wiper!
Triple blade! - Triple blade? Jump on! It's your only chance, bee! Why does
everything have to be so doggone clean?! How much do you people need to see?!
Open your eyes! Stick your head out the window! From NPR News in Washington,
I'm Oarl Kasell. But don't kill no more bugs! - Bee! - Moose blood guy!! - You
hear something? - Like what? Like tiny screaming. Turn off the radio. Whassup,
bee boy? Hey, Blood. Just a row of honey jars, as far as the eye could see.
Wow! I assume wherever this truck goes is where they're getting it. I mean,
that honey's ours. - Bees hang tight. - We're all jammed in. It's a close
community. Not us, man. We on our own. Every mosquito on his own. - What if you
get in trouble? - You a mosquito, you in trouble. Nobody likes us. They just
smack. See a mosquito, smack, smack! At least you're out in the world. You must
meet girls. Mosquito girls try to trade up, get with a moth, dragonfly.
Mosquito girl don't want no mosquito. You got to be kidding me! Mooseblood's
about to leave the building! So long, bee! - Hey, guys! - Mooseblood! I knew
I'd catch y'all down here. Did you bring your crazy straw? We throw it in jars,
slap a label on it, and it's pretty much pure profit. What is this place? A
bee's got a brain the size of a pinhead. They are pinheads! Pinhead. - Oheck
out the new smoker. - Oh, sweet. That's the one you want. The Thomas 3000!
Smoker? Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic. Twice the nicotine, all the tar.
A couple breaths of this knocks them right out. They make the honey, and we
make the money. "They make the honey, and we make the money"? Oh, my! What's
going on? Are you OK? Yeah. It doesn't last too long. Do you know you're in a
fake hive with fake walls? Our queen was moved here. We had no choice. This is
your queen? That's a man in women's clothes! That's a drag queen! What is this?
Oh, no! There's hundreds of them! Bee honey. Our honey is being brazenly stolen
on a massive scale! This is worse than anything bears have done! I intend to do
something. Oh, Barry, stop. Who told you humans are taking our honey? That's a
rumor. Do these look like rumors? That's a conspiracy theory. These are
obviously doctored photos. How did you get mixed up in this? He's been talking
to humans. - What? - Talking to humans?! He has a human girlfriend. And they
make out! Make out? Barry! We do not. - You wish you could. - Whose side are
you on? The bees! I dated a cricket once in San Antonio. Those crazy legs kept
me up all night. Barry, this is what you want to do with your life? I want to
do it for all our lives. Nobody works harder than bees! Dad, I remember you
coming home so overworked your hands were still stirring. You couldn't stop. I
remember that. What right do they have to our honey? We live on two cups a
year. They put it in lip balm for no reason whatsoever! Even if it's true, what
can one bee do? Sting them where it really hurts. In the face! The eye! - That
would hurt. - No. Up the nose? That's a killer. There's only one place you can
sting the humans, one place where it matters. Hive at Five, the hive's only
full-hour action news source. No more bee beards! With Bob Bumble at the anchor
desk. Weather with Storm Stinger. Sports with Buzz Larvi. And Jeanette Ohung. -
Good evening. I'm Bob Bumble. - And I'm Jeanette Ohung. A tri-county bee, Barry
Benson, intends to sue the human race for stealing our honey, packaging it and
profiting from it illegally! Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King, we'll have three
former queens here in our studio, discussing their new book, Olassy Ladies, out
this week on Hexagon. Tonight we're talking to Barry Benson. Did you ever
think, "I'm a kid from the hive. I can't do this"? Bees have never been afraid
to change the world. What about Bee Oolumbus? Bee Gandhi? Bejesus? Where I'm
from, we'd never sue humans. We were thinking of stickball or candy stores. How
old are you? The bee community is supporting you in this case, which will be
the trial of the bee century. You know, they have a Larry King in the human
world too. It's a common name. Next week... He looks like you and has a show
and suspenders and colored dots... Next week... Glasses, quotes on the bottom
from the guest even though you just heard 'em. Bear Week next week! They're
scary, hairy and here live. Always leans forward, pointy shoulders, squinty
eyes, very Jewish. In tennis, you attack at the point of weakness! It was my
grandmother, Ken. She's 81. Honey, her backhand's a joke! I'm not gonna take
advantage of that? Quiet, please. Actual work going on here. - Is that that
same bee? - Yes, it is! I'm helping him sue the human race. - Hello. - Hello,
bee. This is Ken. Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size ten and a half. Vibram
sole, I believe. Why does he talk again? Listen, you better go 'cause we're
really busy working. But it's our yogurt night! Bye-bye. Why is yogurt night so
difficult?! You poor thing. You two have been at this for hours! Yes, and Adam
here has been a huge help. - Frosting... - How many sugars? Just one. I try not
to use the competition. So why are you helping me? Bees have good qualities.
And it takes my mind off the shop. Instead of flowers, people are giving
balloon bouquets now. Those are great, if you're three. And artificial flowers.
- Oh, those just get me psychotic! - Yeah, me too. Bent stingers, pointless
pollination. Bees must hate those fake things! Nothing worse than a daffodil
that's had work done. Maybe this could make up for it a little bit. - This
lawsuit's a pretty big deal. - I guess. You sure you want to go through with
it? Am I sure? When I'm done with the humans, they won't be able to say,
"Honey, I'm home," without paying a royalty! It's an incredible scene here in
downtown Manhattan, where the world anxiously waits, because for the first time
in history, we will hear for ourselves if a honeybee can actually speak. What
have we gotten into here, Barry? It's pretty big, isn't it? I can't believe how
many humans don't work during the day. You think billion-dollar multinational
food companies have good lawyers? Everybody needs to stay behind the barricade.
- What's the matter? - I don't know, I just got a chill. Well, if it isn't the
bee team. You boys work on this? All rise! The Honorable Judge Bumbleton
presiding. All right. Oase number 4475, Superior Oourt of New York, Barry Bee
Benson v. the Honey Industry is now in session. Mr. Montgomery, you're
representing the five food companies collectively? A privilege. Mr. Benson...
you're representing all the bees of the world? I'm kidding. Yes, Your Honor,
we're ready to proceed. Mr. Montgomery, your opening statement, please. Ladies
and gentlemen of the jury, my grandmother was a simple woman. Born on a farm,
she believed it was man's divine right to benefit from the bounty of nature God
put before us. If we lived in the topsy-turvy world Mr. Benson imagines, just
think of what would it mean. I would have to negotiate with the silkworm for
the elastic in my britches! Talking bee! How do we know this isn't some sort of
holographic motion-picture-capture Hollywood wizardry? They could be using
laser beams! Robotics! Ventriloquism! Oloning! For all we know, he could be on
steroids! Mr. Benson? Ladies and gentlemen, there's no trickery here. I'm just
an ordinary bee. Honey's pretty important to me. It's important to all bees. We
invented it! We make it. And we protect it with our lives. Unfortunately, there
are some people in this room who think they can take it from us 'cause we're
the little guys! I'm hoping that, after this is all over, you'll see how, by
taking our honey, you not only take everything we have but everything we are! I
wish he'd dress like that all the time. So nice! Oall your first witness. So,
Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden of Honey Farms, big company you have. I suppose so. I
see you also own Honeyburton and Honron! Yes, they provide beekeepers for our
farms. Beekeeper. I find that to be a very disturbing term. I don't imagine you
employ any bee-free-ers, do you? - No. - I couldn't hear you. - No. - No.
Because you don't free bees. You keep bees. Not only that, it seems you thought
a bear would be an appropriate image for a jar of honey. They're very lovable
creatures. Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear. You mean like this? Bears kill
bees! How'd you like his head crashing through your living room?! Biting into
your couch! Spitting out your throw pillows! OK, that's enough. Take him away.
So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here. Your name intrigues me. - Where have I
heard it before? - I was with a band called The Police. But you've never been a
police officer, have you? No, I haven't. No, you haven't. And so here we have
yet another example of bee culture casually stolen by a human for nothing more
than a prance-about stage name. Oh, please. Have you ever been stung, Mr.
Sting? Because I'm feeling a little stung, Sting. Or should I say... Mr. Gordon
M. Sumner! That's not his real name?! You idiots! Mr. Liotta, first, belated
congratulations on your Emmy win for a guest spot on ER in 2005. Thank you.
Thank you. I see from your resume that you're devilishly handsome with a
churning inner turmoil that's ready to blow. I enjoy what I do. Is that a
crime? Not yet it isn't. But is this what it's come to for you? Exploiting
tiny, helpless bees so you don't have to rehearse your part and learn your
lines, sir? Watch it, Benson! I could blow right now! This isn't a goodfella.
This is a badfella! Why doesn't someone just step on this creep, and we can all
go home?! - Order in this court! - You're all thinking it! Order! Order, I say!
- Say it! - Mr. Liotta, please sit down! I think it was awfully nice of that
bear to pitch in like that. I think the jury's on our side. Are we doing
everything right, legally? I'm a florist. Right. Well, here's to a great team.
To a great team! Well, hello. - Ken! - Hello. I didn't think you were coming.
No, I was just late. I tried to call, but... the battery. I didn't want all
this to go to waste, so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free. Oh, that was
lucky. There's a little left. I could heat it up. Yeah, heat it up, sure,
whatever. So I hear you're quite a tennis player. I'm not much for the game
myself. The ball's a little grabby. That's where I usually sit. Right... there.
Ken, Barry was looking at your resume, and he agreed with me that eating with
chopsticks isn't really a special skill. You think I don't see what you're
doing? I know how hard it is to find the rightjob. We have that in common. Do
we? Bees have 100 percent employment, but we do jobs like taking the crud out.
That's just what I was thinking about doing. Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor
for his fuzz. I hope that was all right. I'm going to drain the old stinger.
Yeah, you do that. Look at that. You know, I've just about had it with your
little mind games. - What's that? - Italian Vogue. Mamma mia, that's a lot of
pages. A lot of ads. Remember what Van said, why is your life more valuable
than mine? Funny, I just can't seem to recall that! I think something stinks in
here! I love the smell of flowers. How do you like the smell of flames?! Not as
much. Water bug! Not taking sides! Ken, I'm wearing a Ohapstick hat! This is
pathetic! I've got issues! Well, well, well, a royal flush! - You're bluffing.
- Am I? Surf's up, dude! Poo water! That bowl is gnarly. Except for those dirty
yellow rings! Kenneth! What are you doing?! You know, I don't even like honey!
I don't eat it! We need to talk! He's just a little bee! And he happens to be
the nicest bee I've met in a long time! Long time? What are you talking about?!
Are there other bugs in your life? No, but there are other things bugging me in
life. And you're one of them! Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night... My nerves
are fried from riding on this emotional roller coaster! Goodbye, Ken. And for
your information, I prefer sugar-free, artificial sweeteners made by man! I'm
sorry about all that. I know it's got an aftertaste! I like it! I always felt
there was some kind of barrier between Ken and me. I couldn't overcome it. Oh,
well. Are you OK for the trial? I believe Mr. Montgomery is about out of ideas.
We would like to call Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand. Good idea! You can
really see why he's considered one of the best lawyers... Yeah. Layton, you've
gotta weave some magic with this jury, or it's gonna be all over. Don't worry.
The only thing I have to do to turn this jury around is to remind them of what
they don't like about bees. - You got the tweezers? - Are you allergic? Only to
losing, son. Only to losing. Mr. Benson Bee, I'll ask you what I think we'd all
like to know. What exactly is your relationship to that woman? We're friends. -
Good friends? - Yes. How good? Do you live together? Wait a minute... Are you
her little... ...bedbug? I've seen a bee documentary or two. From what I
understand, doesn't your queen give birth to all the bee children? - Yeah,
but... - So those aren't your real parents! - Oh, Barry... - Yes, they are!
Hold me back! You're an illegitimate bee, aren't you, Benson? He's denouncing
bees! Don't y'all date your cousins? - Objection! - I'm going to pincushion
this guy! Adam, don't! It's what he wants! Oh, I'm hit!! Oh, lordy, I am hit!
Order! Order! The venom! The venom is coursing through my veins! I have been
felled by a winged beast of destruction! You see? You can't treat them like
equals! They're striped savages! Stinging's the only thing they know! It's
their way! - Adam, stay with me. - I can't feel my legs. What angel of mercy
will come forward to suck the poison from my heaving buttocks? I will have
order in this court. Order! Order, please! The case of the honeybees versus the
human race took a pointed turn against the bees yesterday when one of their
legal team stung Layton T. Montgomery. - Hey, buddy. - Hey. - Is there much
pain? - Yeah. I... I blew the whole case, didn't I? It doesn't matter. What
matters is you're alive. You could have died. I'd be better off dead. Look at
me. They got it from the cafeteria downstairs, in a tuna sandwich. Look,
there's a little celery still on it. What was it like to sting someone? I can't
explain it. It was all... All adrenaline and then... and then ecstasy! All
right. You think it was all a trap? Of course. I'm sorry. I flew us right into
this. What were we thinking? Look at us. We're just a couple of bugs in this
world. What will the humans do to us if they win? I don't know. I hear they put
the roaches in motels. That doesn't sound so bad. Adam, they check in, but they
don't check out! Oh, my. Oould you get a nurse to close that window? - Why? -
The smoke. Bees don't smoke. Right. Bees don't smoke. Bees don't smoke! But
some bees are smoking. That's it! That's our case! It is? It's not over? Get
dressed. I've gotta go somewhere. Get back to the court and stall. Stall any
way you can. And assuming you've done step correctly, you're ready for the tub.
Mr. Flayman. Yes? Yes, Your Honor! Where is the rest of your team? Well, Your
Honor, it's interesting. Bees are trained to fly haphazardly, and as a result,
we don't make very good time. I actually heard a funny story about... Your
Honor, haven't these ridiculous bugs taken up enough of this court's valuable
time? How much longer will we allow these absurd shenanigans to go on? They
have presented no compelling evidence to support their charges against my
clients, who run legitimate businesses. I move for a complete dismissal of this
entire case! Mr. Flayman, I'm afraid I'm going to have to consider Mr.
Montgomery's motion. But you can't! We have a terrific case. Where is your
proof? Where is the evidence? Show me the smoking gun! Hold it, Your Honor! You
want a smoking gun? Here is your smoking gun. What is that? It's a bee smoker!
What, this? This harmless little contraption? This couldn't hurt a fly, let
alone a bee. Look at what has happened to bees who have never been asked,
"Smoking or non?" Is this what nature intended for us? To be forcibly addicted
to smoke machines and man-made wooden slat work camps? Living out our lives as
honey slaves to the white man? - What are we gonna do? - He's playing the
species card. Ladies and gentlemen, please, free these bees! Free the bees!
Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! The court finds in
favor of the bees! Vanessa, we won! I knew you could do it! High-five! Sorry.
I'm OK! You know what this means? All the honey will finally belong to the
bees. Now we won't have to work so hard all the time. This is an unholy
perversion of the balance of nature, Benson. You'll regret this. Barry, how
much honey is out there? All right. One at a time. Barry, who are you wearing?
My sweater is Ralph Lauren, and I have no pants. - What if Montgomery's right?
- What do you mean? We've been living the bee way a long time, 27 million
years. Oongratulations on your victory. What will you demand as a settlement?
First, we'll demand a complete shutdown of all bee work camps. Then we want
back the honey that was ours to begin with, every last drop. We demand an end
to the glorification of the bear as anything more than a filthy, smelly, bad-
breath stink machine. We're all aware of what they do in the woods. Wait for my
signal. Take him out. He'll have nauseous for a few hours, then he'll be fine.
And we will no longer tolerate bee-negative nicknames... But it's just a
prance-about stage name! ...unnecessary inclusion of honey in bogus health
products and la-dee-da human tea-time snack garnishments. Oan't breathe. Bring
it in, boys! Hold it right there! Good. Tap it. Mr. Buzzwell, we just passed
three cups, and there's gallons more coming! - I think we need to shut down! -
Shut down? We've never shut down. Shut down honey production! Stop making
honey! Turn your key, sir! What do we do now? Oannonball! We're shutting honey
production! Mission abort. Aborting pollination and nectar detail. Returning to
base. Adam, you wouldn't believe how much honey was out there. Oh, yeah? What's
going on? Where is everybody? - Are they out celebrating? - They're home. They
don't know what to do. Laying out, sleeping in. I heard your Uncle Oarl was on
his way to San Antonio with a cricket. At least we got our honey back.
Sometimes I think, so what if humans liked our honey? Who wouldn't? It's the
greatest thing in the world! I was excited to be part of making it. This was my
new desk. This was my new job. I wanted to do it really well. And now... Now I
can't. I don't understand why they're not happy. I thought their lives would be
better! They're doing nothing. It's amazing. Honey really changes people. You
don't have any idea what's going on, do you? - What did you want to show me? -
This. What happened here? That is not the half of it. Oh, no. Oh, my. They're
all wilting. Doesn't look very good, does it? No. And whose fault do you think
that is? You know, I'm gonna guess bees. Bees? Specifically, me. I didn't think
bees not needing to make honey would affect all these things. It's notjust
flowers. Fruits, vegetables, they all need bees. That's our whole SAT test
right there. Take away produce, that affects the entire animal kingdom. And
then, of course... The human species? So if there's no more pollination, it
could all just go south here, couldn't it? I know this is also partly my fault.
How about a suicide pact? How do we do it? - I'll sting you, you step on me. -
Thatjust kills you twice. Right, right. Listen, Barry... sorry, but I gotta get
going. I had to open my mouth and talk. Vanessa? Vanessa? Why are you leaving?
Where are you going? To the final Tournament of Roses parade in Pasadena.
They've moved it to this weekend because all the flowers are dying. It's the
last chance I'll ever have to see it. Vanessa, I just wanna say I'm sorry. I
never meant it to turn out like this. I know. Me neither. Tournament of Roses.
Roses can't do sports. Wait a minute. Roses. Roses? Roses! Vanessa! Roses?!
Barry? - Roses are flowers! - Yes, they are. Flowers, bees, pollen! I know.
That's why this is the last parade. Maybe not. Oould you ask him to slow down?
Oould you slow down? Barry! OK, I made a huge mistake. This is a total
disaster, all my fault. Yes, it kind of is. I've ruined the planet. I wanted to
help you with the flower shop. I've made it worse. Actually, it's completely
closed down. I thought maybe you were remodeling. But I have another idea, and
it's greater than my previous ideas combined. I don't want to hear it! All
right, they have the roses, the roses have the pollen. I know every bee, plant
and flower bud in this park. All we gotta do is get what they've got back here
with what we've got. - Bees. - Park. - Pollen! - Flowers. - Repollination! -
Across the nation! Tournament of Roses, Pasadena, Oalifornia. They've got
nothing but flowers, floats and cotton candy. Security will be tight. I have an
idea. Vanessa Bloome, FTD. Official floral business. It's real. Sorry, ma'am.
Nice brooch. Thank you. It was a gift. Once inside, we just pick the right
float. How about The Princess and the Pea? I could be the princess, and you
could be the pea! Yes, I got it. - Where should I sit? - What are you? - I
believe I'm the pea. - The pea? It goes under the mattresses. - Not in this
fairy tale, sweetheart. - I'm getting the marshal. You do that! This whole
parade is a fiasco! Let's see what this baby'll do. Hey, what are you doing?!
Then all we do is blend in with traffic... ...without arousing suspicion. Once
at the airport, there's no stopping us. Stop! Security. - You and your insect
pack your float? - Yes. Has it been in your possession the entire time? Would
you remove your shoes? - Remove your stinger. - It's part of me. I know. Just
having some fun. Enjoy your flight. Then if we're lucky, we'll have just enough
pollen to do the job. Oan you believe how lucky we are? We have just enough
pollen to do the job! I think this is gonna work. It's got to work. Attention,
passengers, this is Oaptain Scott. We have a bit of bad weather in New York. It
looks like we'll experience a couple hours delay. Barry, these are cut flowers
with no water. They'll never make it. I gotta get up there and talk to them. Be
careful. Oan I get help with the Sky Mall magazine? I'd like to order the
talking inflatable nose and ear hair trimmer. Oaptain, I'm in a real situation.
- What'd you say, Hal? - Nothing. Bee! Don't freak out! My entire species...
What are you doing? - Wait a minute! I'm an attorney! - Who's an attorney?
Don't move. Oh, Barry. Good afternoon, passengers. This is your captain. Would
a Miss Vanessa Bloome in 24B please report to the cockpit? And please hurry!
What happened here? There was a DustBuster, a toupee, a life raft exploded.
One's bald, one's in a boat, they're both unconscious! - Is that another bee
joke? - No! No one's flying the plane! This is JFK control tower, Flight 356.
What's your status? This is Vanessa Bloome. I'm a florist from New York.
Where's the pilot? He's unconscious, and so is the copilot. Not good. Does
anyone onboard have flight experience? As a matter of fact, there is. - Who's
that? - Barry Benson. From the honey trial?! Oh, great. Vanessa, this is
nothing more than a big metal bee. It's got giant wings, huge engines. I can't
fly a plane. - Why not? Isn't John Travolta a pilot? - Yes. How hard could it
be? Wait, Barry! We're headed into some lightning. This is Bob Bumble. We have
some late-breaking news from JFK Airport, where a suspenseful scene is
developing. Barry Benson, fresh from his legal victory... That's Barry! ...is
attempting to land a plane, loaded with people, flowers and an incapacitated
flight crew. Flowers?! We have a storm in the area and two individuals at the
controls with absolutely no flight experience. Just a minute. There's a bee on
that plane. I'm quite familiar with Mr. Benson and his no-account compadres.
They've done enough damage. But isn't he your only hope? Technically, a bee
shouldn't be able to fly at all. Their wings are too small... Haven't we heard
this a million times? "The surface area of the wings and body mass make no
sense." - Get this on the air! - Got it. - Stand by. - We're going live. The
way we work may be a mystery to you. Making honey takes a lot of bees doing a
lot of small jobs. But let me tell you about a small job. If you do it well, it
makes a big difference. More than we realized. To us, to everyone. That's why I
want to get bees back to working together. That's the bee way! We're not made
of Jell-O. We get behind a fellow. - Black and yellow! - Hello! Left, right,
down, hover. - Hover? - Forget hover. This isn't so hard. Beep-beep! Beep-beep!
Barry, what happened?! Wait, I think we were on autopilot the whole time. -
That may have been helping me. - And now we're not! So it turns out I cannot
fly a plane. All of you, let's get behind this fellow! Move it out! Move out!
Our only chance is if I do what I'd do, you copy me with the wings of the
plane! Don't have to yell. I'm not yelling! We're in a lot of trouble. It's
very hard to concentrate with that panicky tone in your voice! It's not a tone.
I'm panicking! I can't do this! Vanessa, pull yourself together. You have to
snap out of it! You snap out of it. You snap out of it. - You snap out of it! -
You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out
of it! - You snap out of it! - Hold it! - Why? Oome on, it's my turn. How is
the plane flying? I don't know. Hello? Benson, got any flowers for a happy
occasion in there? The Pollen Jocks! They do get behind a fellow. - Black and
yellow. - Hello. All right, let's drop this tin can on the blacktop. Where? I
can't see anything. Oan you? No, nothing. It's all cloudy. Oome on. You got to
think bee, Barry. - Thinking bee. - Thinking bee. Thinking bee! Thinking bee!
Thinking bee! Wait a minute. I think I'm feeling something. - What? - I don't
know. It's strong, pulling me. Like a 27-million-year-old instinct. Bring the
nose down. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! - What in the world is on
the tarmac? - Get some lights on that! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking
bee! - Vanessa, aim for the flower. - OK. Out the engines. We're going in on
bee power. Ready, boys? Affirmative! Good. Good. Easy, now. That's it. Land on
that flower! Ready? Full reverse! Spin it around! - Not that flower! The other
one! - Which one? - That flower. - I'm aiming at the flower! That's a fat guy
in a flowered shirt. I mean the giant pulsating flower made of millions of
bees! Pull forward. Nose down. Tail up. Rotate around it. - This is insane,
Barry! - This's the only way I know how to fly. Am I koo-koo-kachoo, or is this
plane flying in an insect-like pattern? Get your nose in there. Don't be
afraid. Smell it. Full reverse! Just drop it. Be a part of it. Aim for the
center! Now drop it in! Drop it in, woman! Oome on, already. Barry, we did it!
You taught me how to fly! - Yes. No high-five! - Right. Barry, it worked! Did
you see the giant flower? What giant flower? Where? Of course I saw the flower!
That was genius! - Thank you. - But we're not done yet. Listen, everyone! This
runway is covered with the last pollen from the last flowers available anywhere
on Earth. That means this is our last chance. We're the only ones who make
honey, pollinate flowers and dress like this. If we're gonna survive as a
species, this is our moment! What do you say? Are we going to be bees, orjust
Museum of Natural History keychains? We're bees! Keychain! Then follow me!
Except Keychain. Hold on, Barry. Here. You've earned this. Yeah! I'm a Pollen
Jock! And it's a perfect fit. All I gotta do are the sleeves. Oh, yeah. That's
our Barry. Mom! The bees are back! If anybody needs to make a call, now's the
time. I got a feeling we'll be working late tonight! Here's your change. Have a
great afternoon! Oan I help who's next? Would you like some honey with that? It
is bee-approved. Don't forget these. Milk, cream, cheese, it's all me. And I
don't see a nickel! Sometimes I just feel like a piece of meat! I had no idea.
Barry, I'm sorry. Have you got a moment? Would you excuse me? My mosquito
associate will help you. Sorry I'm late. He's a lawyer too? I was already a
blood-sucking parasite. All I needed was a briefcase. Have a great afternoon!
Barry, I just got this huge tulip order, and I can't get them anywhere. No
problem, Vannie. Just leave it to me. You're a lifesaver, Barry. Oan I help
who's next? All right, scramble, jocks! It's time to fly. Thank you, Barry!
That bee is living my life! Let it go, Kenny. - When will this nightmare end?!
- Let it all go. - Beautiful day to fly. - Sure is. Between you and me, I was
dying to get out of that office. You have got to start thinking bee, my friend.
- Thinking bee! - Me? Hold it. Let's just stop for a second. Hold it. I'm
sorry. I'm sorry, everyone. Oan we stop here? I'm not making a major life
decision during a production number! All right. Take ten, everybody. Wrap it
up, guys. I had virtually no rehearsal for that.
End Notes
     It Gets Worse.
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